I’m not sure what my feelings were, but I just ate them…

Lemme ‘splain

I led my June Desire Map Workshop in Atlanta this weekend and it was gorgeous. Not even kidding. Like white Italian linen, vintage milk glass, 6 dozen roses in the Desire Map color pallet, spa water, deeply nourishing food, artisan jelly tea, beautiful floor pillow gorgeous.

(And look - the women especially and most of all are the WHOLE REASON we’re even here but that’s not what THIS post is about and you’ll get the beautifully soulful post later this week. With pictures.)

Anyway – It was AWESOME!

Today: I slept in; wrote some of the stuff I write; loved on Christina Vanvuren (the most “I got you” woman on my planet right now and my cherished assistant who made it literally possible for me to show up. I kiss you all over your face!!!); did some stuff with my kids; ate some dark chocolate; drew an Epsom salt bath and cranked some Motown tunes; had a solo dance party in front of the mirror to Midnight Train to Georgia; had my goodnight call with my person and closed my eyes.

Good day, right? Yup *sleepy sigh*

And I lay there for what seemed like twenty minutes but it was probably three...

I got up, went to the kitchen and ate Salt and Vinegar chips and Chicago Corn (which is basically crack) and tried to eat some Cheetos but they were stale and after five, decided to throw them away and poured myself another bowl of crack. And I’m standing there thinking Fuck that green juice, organic mixed green nectarine salad shit I’ve been eating all weekend!

And the biggest toothy grin spread across by face and I started to giggle.

I am standing here in my white terrycloth robe and flip flops, in the dark, in the kitchen with orange cheesy fingers and laughing so hard at how funny I think I am.

I’m not sure what my feelings were, but I just ate them…

And it was AWESOME!

I was there with you as you slept, 
as your breath hastened 
and calmed throughout the night, 
as your eyes opened this morning, 
as the sun rose across the horizon 
in pinks and violets 
kissing the day, 
as you boarded the plane 
and flew East.

I am with you in your sadness. 
I will hold your pain 
in the palms of my hands, 
close your eyes, 
kiss your mouth 
and share in the breath 
that chokes you 
so you can breathe more deeply. 

I will give you 
my voice 
in the dark 
of the night 
because it's softer than the ache in your heart. 

I will keep vigil 
on the shores 
of the sea 
holding sacred presence 
as you cleanse 
and restore
in the deepest of waters. 

And I will wrap you in a blanket of stars until it's time to navigate home.

They lay there, dusk upon them, legs and bodies intertwined.

He wrapped his arms around her, breathed her in and kissed her bare shoulder.

She settled into him, closed her eyes and her body softened as she began to doze. He gently found her wrist, baring the scars of decades before, and ever so carefully scaled their rise.

His touch a whisper so softly she almost didn't notice.

And then she did.

From deep within her rose a tenderness for him, her breath skipped and she knew - he was becoming the encyclopedia of her.

A single tear acknowledged her exposure - and his witness -

and then, she slept.

This morning, Marie Forleo posted a moving interview with Colleen Saidman along with a great blog post which posed the following question: If there’s one area of your body or life that would be well served by more presence, more attention, more love — what would it be?

Yeah. Can't answer that because everything in my life is in transition right now. Like seriously, not even kidding - EVERYTHING.

The chump is moving out this week. I'm facilitating an intimate women's workshop on June 19-20. I resigned from an 8-year job that I love to transfer to a WAY better opportunity on June 22. I am moving from in-town Atlanta up to the suburbs for my kids on July 6. And - I have a BIG love happening.

I read somewhere that in the cocoon, between caterpillar and butterfly, is goo. Just goo.

I'm in the goo.

It's not bad. It's big and full and - happening. It's just happening. So, I have a choice - belly up and float and let the rolling river just take me; or try to stand up in the rapids and be taken under.

So, here's what I'm doing to holistically take care of my awesomely gooey life:

I am praying and mediating every morning – including coconut oil pulling thank you very much.

I'm taking time to stop, snuggle and make eye contact with my kids.

I throw myself all the more into serving the women that I mentor. “The fruit of service is Peace.” ~ Mother Teresa

I am cradled in the Divine Wisdom of my 80 and 90 year old grandmothers. They tell me the Truth.

I move my body and sweat.

I'm on the NO train.

I'm not taking any shit.

I’m wearing my sacred True Desire Mala and I remind myself that my clarity is a beacon that helps Life find me— and sends me support. Life found me and I am, in fact, supported.

I chant my mantra: “Sacred, Nourished, Wildly Open, Ease”

I let myself lay broken on the floor sobbing when I need to sob. It cleanses me until it's time to release again.

If it doesn't feel good then I redirect. You CAN be in the goo and still feel good.

I am taking Epsom salt baths and listening to music that is nourishing to my soul - even if it's for 10 minutes before I go to bed.

I’m drinking lots of water and tea and trying to eat well – vegetarian diet and morning green juicing.

Okay, confession: I have been eating my feelings for the past three days and have consumed copious amounts of sugar in the form of cheap AND expensive chocolate and gluten free cookies. There, I said it. Now I can cut that shit out.

Colleen said, “Allow beauty and sadness to touch you. This is love, not fear.” I love that.

I am awake and in the goo and it's sad and it's beautiful. It’s breaking me open and touching me all over!

xo,

Vanessa